My First Real Test of Sobriety: Saying Goodbye to Bane

I’ve been super overwhelmed the last few days and haven’t had it in me to respond to anything. Today was the first day I didn’t spend most of it crying uncontrollably, so I’m finally starting to come up for air.

Losing Bane has been one of the hardest things I’ve gone through since i took my last drink on December 31, 2021. People always ask how I can bartend and stay sober—like that’s supposed to be the hard part. But honestly? That’s never really been an issue. Not since I finally realized I don’t owe anyone an explanation when they offer me a drink and I say, “I don’t drink,” and they follow it up with why. I don’t need to justify my choices to make other people comfortable.

But this… this has been different. This has been the first time in sobriety that something hit me so hard I completely shut down. Grief, at the level I’m feeling it, is debilitating. It’s not just emotional—it’s physical. Exhausting. It consumes everything. And when I feel it, I feel all of it. To the point where I just don’t want to feel anything at all.

The last time a family dog died, I was in Sarasota with my ex. I got the call while we were at breakfast and tried to book a flight home, but he died in my brother’s arms on the way to the vet before I could get there. I shut down completely. We got back to the hotel and I laid face down on the bed with a pillow over my head. My ex eventually gave up trying to talk to me and left for a while. Hours later, he came back, woke me up, and said he wasn’t going to let me sit in the room all day being upset and thinking about my dog dying. He pulled me out of the room and we ended up going to one of his favorite bars.

And for a little while, drinking numbed everything. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t grieving—I was just there.

But now, there’s no numbing. No “off” switch. Just me and every single emotion. It sucks, and I absolutely hate it. Sleeping only helps so much. Staying busy, trying to cope in other ways—it helps a little. But it still sucks, because I feel everything so intensely.

Today at work, I started bawling while talking to my neighbor about what happened the other night.

But even with all of this overwhelming, debilitating sadness and grief… it’s not killing me. I’m here. I’m getting through it.
It still sucks—but I’m doing it.
And I’m doing it without finding a way to numb the pain.

#StillSober #FeelingItAll #NoNumbing #ForeverMyBoy #SoberNotNumb #LostBaneNotMySobriety #StillSoberStillHurtingStillHere #FirstRealTestOfSobriety #BaneWasMyFirstTest

💜
For Bane—my fat, stubborn, loyal boy. I miss you more than I can put into words.