Progress Without Punishment: The Thoughts Still Show Up, But I’m Not Going Back

Seeing these side-by-side photos was honestly a reality check for me…

I genuinely didn’t realize I had even gotten up to 152… and I definitely didn’t realize how much it was showing until I looked at these comparison pictures. It’s crazy how your brain can normalize things slowly over time, and you don’t really “see it” until it’s right in front of you.

I’m down to 131 now, the goal was 132.
And I’ll be honest — some of it was healthy weight loss, and some of it was stress.

But what I’m proud of is where I’m at now:

I’m working out regularly, I’m eating healthy, but mindfully, and I’m sleeping better. I’m making sure I maintain this in a way that’s sustainable and good for me. I’m basically at my goal weight, and I want to stay here the right way… not by running myself into the ground or restricting what I eat/barely eating anything.

The hard truth is that the topic of weight, let alone weight loss, has never been easy for me. It can turn into a fixation… the scale, the mirror, the need to feel in control — and if I’m not careful, it can pull me back toward purging; all of it. And that road isn’t just emotionally exhausting… it’s deadly.
Weight loss hasn’t always been easy for me. This is the first time since I used to restrict and fall into the behaviors that were bad for me that I’ve actually lost the weight I wanted to in a healthy way or even at all.

Recovery isn’t linear. It’s learning how to notice what’s happening in your head before it turns into something you act on.

And I’ve always been able to see imperfections and flaws. That’s never been the issue — and honestly, I’m sure it never will be. I can point out every roll, every place that has “too much fat,” every little detail my brain decides to zoom in on. I just didn’t realize how bad it had gotten before, because I still see imperfections now… but looking at these pictures, they are nowhere near as bad as they were.

I can still find every roll and every “problem area” no problem. That part of my brain hasn’t fully shut off and to be honest, I don’t know that it ever will. But the pictures remind me that my perspective isn’t always fair — and that I’ve made progress even when my mind refuses to give me credit for it.

Also: it’s worth saying out loud that being able to “find flaws,” for me at least, is a learned survival skill from years of trying to control my body — and the fear of getting fat. The goal now isn’t to never notice anything… it’s to notice it without spiraling or going back down the path of self-harm that I used to.

That’s what I’m working on.

Not chasing “perfect.”
Not trying to shrink as fast as possible.
Not turning discipline into self-destruction.

Just choosing consistency. Choosing health. Choosing balance. Choosing to be mindful.

And I truly have to give credit where it’s due — Connor Trott and Pure Barre Detroit are a huge reason I was able to do this in a way that actually felt healthy. The structure, the support, the strength-focused mindset, the consistency… it made all the difference for me. It helped me build routines that don’t come from self-hate, but from self-respect.

Healthy. Strong. Balanced. That’s the goal. 🤍